When we were young
by bastardandkhaleesi
Summary: Jon and Dany had been friends since pre-school. He had loved her all his life but it never seemed to be the right timing. But then their paths parted and not a single day passes where he doesn't blame himself for not telling her. /Warning: A number of flash backs and heartbreaks / Modern setting
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Jon and Dany had been friends since pre-school. He had loved her all his life but it never seemed to be the right timing. But then their paths parted and not a single day passes where he doesn't blame himself for not telling her.**

* * *

There had been some moments across the way where it had been so obvious between the two of them, where both of them were dangerously close to giving in.

This had been one of them.

Jon was going crazy. Not that he had any right not be ok with Dany dating other people but usually she'd write him still. She always would. Like she could be snowed in in some romantic cabin with her date and she'd still find a way to tell Jon how lame it was.

It wasn't exactly normal when you thought about it (which Jon strictly avoided, he had mastered that for over 15 years now) – every time they were on a date with someone else they'd write each other, tell each other about the shitty food, the lousy small talk and the annoying traits they had just noticed on their counterpart. It was horrible really. If Jon had been her date in any of these situations he'd be heartbroken and demotivated. But usually he wasn't. He was the guy she was writing text messages under the table or sending silly snapchats while her date was using the bathroom or getting food for the both of them. They had made this their weird habit when everyone suddenly fell in love with Dany in high school, or was it middle school even? Jon couldn't remember. Maybe it was because he could not imagine a time where Dany had not been absolutely perfect. But with those pastel pink coloured tips of her hair, those cute dresses and big smiles she used to sport in school, it must have been the moment when everything started to go to hell.

He had been the broody loner in High School. Not like he had been weirdo or something, while others might argue like that, he had just wanted to be left alone and out of that typical high school madness. The leather jacket wearing jocks and make-up covered cheerleaders, that was not his world and he was totally ok with it. He liked to stay in the background with his best friend Sam. They used to sit on a small table in the back of the cafeteria to eat, study and stay as invisible as they could possibly. Until the beautiful Daenerys showed up and directed the attention of everyone towards them. It didn't seem to be such a big deal for her though. When most popular girls were concerned about ruining their reputation over hanging out with Jon and Sam Dany didn't even waste one thought on it. She wasn't one of those air-headed beauty-queens or Queen B's anyway. Daenerys had always been very smart and didn't try to hide that but thus also being very pretty and confident everyone at school respected her while even the jocks thought she was pretty cute. She didn't have to play those silly popularity games for people to like her and Jon admired that because even though she had friends all over the school yard she was still the determined and loving girl that had tried to beat his small wolf toy with her two lilac dragons when they were in pre-school. Ever since that day they had been inseparateable.

But in this very moment he felt like the clueless guy who was so blindly in love with her, that he didn't even realize she wasn't interested. For the first time in forever he felt like there was another guy in her life who was more important to her and it was bugging him more than he'd like to admit.

Wait _what?_ Jon wasn't in love with her. She was his best friend for god's sake and he would never think about her that way. Things between them were totally platonic. Alright, they might have made it a habit of falling asleep next to each other while playing stupid video games or accidentally cuddling when she was freezing and he was thankful for the warmth as well (although he'd never admit it because he had his northern man image to lose). And sure, they might have kissed a couple of times when they were super drunk and that one it almost went further. But hey, it's just fun. They're fun, everything between them is fun.

But this was no fun. Jon thought to himself as he dropped down on the couch, his head back on the upper rest, staring at the ceiling. When did he become so fucking pathetic? They had been friends for over 4 years now and he had never felt like that, never been so goddamn jealous of one of her boyfriends. He knew that they never lasted long, that's why he usually didn't bother. Drogo, the big, scary one had been the only guy to last longer than 6 months and that had already been torture - only because Sam had been busy studying that time and he really needed someone to hang with of course. It's not like Jon hadn't been seriously romantically involved before. He had been dating Ygritte for about a year only parting from her when she decided to leave to study abroad. Then there was Val, ridiculously hot Val. They had been dating in secret because she was more or less already seeing someone else. It was exciting and dangerous somehow but when she fully committed to him both of them realized that the entire attraction between them was based simply on the secrecy and adrenaline. They didn't really connect. So, that should prove that he wasn't somehow secretly hung up on Daenerys. That was _complete bullshit_.

"Where's Dany?" Robb asked when he entered his brothers room. Well technically they weren't brothers. Robbs father Ned had taken him into custody after his sister and her husband, Jons parents, were killed in a car accident but since Jon had barely been a year when this tragedy happened Ned and his wife Catelyn had decided to wait until he was sixteen to finally tell him. So in his eyes Robb, Arya and Sansa were his siblings and their relationship hadn't changed a bit.

"How would _I_ know?" Jon responds and it sounded a lot sourer than it should have. Then again, his brother was used to him being broody especially since moving in with him at the beginning of college.

"I just figured." Robb said with a shrug before sitting down beside Jon. "Didn't know she actually had her own place to begin with." The older brother chuckled.

"Well she does. She has her own life as well. Don't know what's so wrong with that." Jon spat in a semi offended tone.

Robb knew him better than most other people did. He knew that when Jon wasn't willing to talk about something, he wouldn't, no matter how much you'd press him to. So he just got up without another word and fetched a bottles of beer for each of them. He hated it when Robb saw right through him yet he was glad that his sister Arya wasn't here, she would straight out laugh at him. She still knew him best.

"If you don't try it I will." Robb said with a wink. That wasn't the first time he had been flirty around Daenerys to drive Jon insane.

"She's on a date." Jon announced a couple minutes later, still staring blankly at the tv screen. There was some sports game on but he didn't even know what kind.

"Sucks, bro. I'm sorry." Jon didn't have to tell him. Robb knew, he was his brother after all. "It's her loss.". Of course Robb could say something like that so easily. He was a good-looking, intelligent, charming and athletic guy who studied economics. Girls were basically at his feet 24/7 but he never settled down.

"It's mine actually." Jon said quietly, taking another sip of his beer. "She's perfect, Robb. She's everything. I can't even begin to tell you how great she is." He told him quietly. "But I'll never be more than her best friend. I should be ok with that. It means that if I don't fuck up big time I'll at least be a part of her life."

"I think you're underestimating yourself here. You're good-looking, not as handsome as me but still-" Robb earned a punch for that. It was totally worth it. " _Ouch_. I'm trying to cheer you up, mate."

"You have a good heart, you see the good in people even though you've been through some rough stuff. You're pretty diplomatic, always searching for the outcome that will satisfy the most people. You're also intelligent, I give you that, and a very good friend. You're one of the good guys, Jon. Don't let anyone treat you like you're not." His brother tried to cheer him up, but he meant every word of praise he said.

"Wow that was gross!" Arya yelled from the hallway. Robb instantly got up to run after her. "Let me show you gross, you little rat!" He announced before chasing along the hall. Jon couldn't help but smile. It was nice having them around even if it was just for a surprise visit in Aryas case.

Jon followed them into the kitchen and got himself some chips and a glass of water before returning to the living room.

"Hey"

"Hey I thought you went to bed alr-" _Oh._ That was not Robb. That was not Arya. „ _Dany_? I- shouldn't you be on a date right now?" Jon asked in confusion, almost dropping the bag of snacks.

"The date sucked, he tried to kiss me and I might actually have broken his nose." Daenerys shrugged, sitting down on his couch and grabbing the chips from him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like she belonged right there.

"You're a danger to the public. Who even let you out?" Jon laughed and sat down beside her. _God he had missed this_.

"Shut up!" She yelled and started throwing chips at him.

"He was a douche. I had to laugh about his stupid jokes and believe me it was torture because they were really damn stupid."

„You could've texted, you know. So you wouldn't have to take that torture all by yourself. "Jon suggested with a small smile. As much as he had been angry of her for not texting him having her here with him again made all of his troubled vanish.

"My phone was dead and I couldn't even play candy crush while pretending to listen. _Imagine_ the tragedy." Daenerys explained the disaster with fake fatality in her voice.

Jon instantly had to grin now. He could imagine every single detail of it. How she would tap her fingers on the table in order to keep herself busy and that fake smile she had perfected over the years. Seriously it was hard to tell that secretly she was super bored. Well for everyone but him.

"So now you're back to bothering _me_ instead?" He pretended to be annoyed but it was so hard for him to hide his grin.

"Oh come on, you love having me around. I'm _fun_!" Dany exclaimed in a funny voice.

Fun. there it was again. The word that started to bother him.

"What is it you broody man?"

"Nothing."

"Why you can tell me, you know that."

 _Actually that is the one thing I can't tell you._ He thought to himself. "It's nothing I swear now stop bugging me." He said with a laugh that was not as real as it looked and picked up his Xbox controller.

"Fine, I'll foul you at fifa until you tell me." Dany threatened.

"That's not fair."

"Stop whining, Jon. You're the one keeping secrets not me." Well, that indirectly answered his question.

"Next time I won't even bother with this stuff. I'll just take _you_ out on a date. We'd have so much more fun."

"Right. But we'd go get pizza instead because otherwise you'd never stop complaining about the other food. You're so picky"

"Am not!" Dany complained but soon there was this big smile on her lips again "So it's a deal?" She asked enthusiastically.

"You serious?" Jon asked baffled. Was she really suggesting what he thinks she is?

"Yeah why not? At least this way I know it's gonna be an amazing night. They could never compare to you anyway." When Dany said those words it sounded like it was the most obvious thing in the world, she didn't even bother to look at him between pressing buttons on the controller and stuffing chips in her mouth.

Now he was just staring at her " _What_?" Maybe he misheard something or his mind was finally making fun of him.

„Why are you doing it then? The dating and all?" He asked quietly trying his hardest to sell it as a funny line but it was not too hard to see through his charade.

"Are you not listening to me? I just asked you out, you silly goose. Or would you like me to leave that as well?" Dany said with an amused smile.

"I thought we were joking around."

" _Ouch_." Dany said playfully.

"You'd really go on a date with me? Like on a _date_ date?"

"Why not? I love you and we're spending 24/7 together anyway. Why not do the cheesy stuff for once?" Dany said with a small smile, turning her attention back to the screen again.

"You're crazy." He announced with a heartfelt laugh. She had just told him that she loved him. Ok maybe not that she was _in love_ with him, but it's a step and more than he ever imagined. He wrapped his arm around her and she thankfully followed the invitation by cuddling into his side. Right there, her small hands on his chest, his arms around her, her head on his shoulder it was perfect.

Dany had been running around all day like she had bees in her buttocks. She had no idea what to wear, how to do her make-up, if she should make-up at all, if she show up late or early. She was going nuts. So much so that she had called Missandei various times begging her to come and calm her down somehow.

"You are a total mess, Daenerys." The curly haired women stated when she entered Danys small apartment. The floor was covered by cloths and pretty much everything that had usually been neatly placed into her friends drawers.

"Thanks for the reminder. I won't have noticed." The smaller women replied in an annoyed tone but it was not her friend that annoyed her but her own stupidity. How was she freaking out over this? It was just her and her best friend going out for a pizza. The man she had known for all her life. Why the hell was she so nervous?

"I thought you might need that." Missandei explained while handing Dany a bottle of wine.

"Oh god I remember why I like you so much!"

"So what is the plan?" The other women asked carefully, knowing that the Jonerys thing was a very touchy subject. And yes "the jonerys thing" was a thing. Ever since Robb suggested that couple name for the two stubborn lovers it had stuck. Only behind their backs of course but it had spread very quickly.

"Plan?" Dany turned her friend with a shocked look on her face. She had just made her way through her room by successfully stepping from one free spot to the other so she could pick up her favourite red top and classic black vans, the comment throwing her totally off guard.

"Oh you know, what do you think could happen?" Missandei explained while searching for two wine glassed in the messy room. She knew Danys fine boundaries very well and never really pushed on them but even she was getting restless. After all Jon and Dany had been longing for each other since she can remember.

"Well we are going to eat some pizza and it will be amazing because we are friends and everything is cool."

"Yeah right."

"Missandei!"

"That's the reason you are acting like a little girl right now? Because you are friends and everything is cool?" Missandei was not having any of Danys bullshit. She knew her better than that.

"We talking Jon fucking Snow?" Danys roommate Asha suddenly busted in, dropping down on the silver haired womans bed right on top of all the chaos. "I heard he is much desired for his skills down _there_." She said in a suggestive voice. "Hell if I was into men I would totally tap that."

The puzzled look on Danys face spoke volumes. She had never heard of any gossip on Jon Snow, her honest and polite Jon who was too uptight to even _talk_ about something like that. She could remember watching trashy movies with him and he would look away every time there was a naked body on screen. Was it a. really possible that there was something about Jon she didn't know about and b. who was spreading such stories about him? Dany couldn't help but feel jealous over the mere thought of some other women getting to enjoy Jon in that way. But why? Of course he was free to do whatever dirty stuff with whomever he wanted, hell she had been doing plenty dirty stuff with other guys, but she never imagined hearing about it.

Suddenly Daenerys was feeling differently. The childish excitement had made way for the bitter realization that everything she had said to keep her hopes down was true. Jon wasn't into her, for a fact he was pretty damn happy without being with her in a romantic way. What the hell had she been thinking?

"Salami or the spicy stuff?" Jon asked, visibly shaking her from thoughts.

"Hm?" Dany asked with a dazzled look on her face, earning a sympathetic smile from her childhood friend. She had been nothing but distant ever since he picked her up for their pizza date. But she couldn't get the image of him pleasuring another woman out of her head. What has she been thinking he was doing all the time? Like did she imagine his past relationships being a mix of handholding and forehead kisses or what? Dany was feeling so stupid right now.

"Do you rather wanna go home and order something?" The dark-haired man asked with a concerned look on his face. Dany instantly regretted her behaviour towards him. He was such a sweet man and she had been ruining their not-a-date-date because she was jealous of some woman she didn't know, on basis of a rumour she just stumbled upon.

"We could just take home a couple of different flavours we never tried before, decide to order thai instead and fall asleep on the living room floor, how does that sound?" He suggested now, trying to make her look at him again. When he succeeded the look on his face was almost triumphant. She loved that look with a burning passion.

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 **A/N:** Originally this was some kind of "We're best friends but I really don't like it when you're dating other guys cause everything sucks when you're not around"-AU but I'm definitely going to take it further. I'm such a big sucker for angst I just had to make it as conflicted and heartbreaking as possible and the Adele song was begging to be used, you'll see.

But for now please tell me what you think! I will ask you guys for suggestions when it comes to other ships and characters over time but you are always welcome to tell me your ideas for the fic in the comments or on my tumblr (same name).

I also want to thank the following amazing tumblr people for helping me with jobs and pairings: zeetao-hime, thatmartinskishit, ranpyon Ithinkimighthaveinhaledyou, tethys-the-aquatic-sea-godness, spaceprincebensolo, truefan20, xnotadamselindistress, sunmaemae, idontcarewhatmyusernameis9, tyrionsbride, albion19, reketrebn, lordmanucas, anons 3 YOU ARE THE BEST!


	2. Chapter 2

When he was younger Jon always wanted to be a musician just like his father Rhaeger, whos relation to him he wasn't aware of at that time. Over the years Ned had told him so much about the man he used to distrust so deeply but came to accept and respect when he saw the love his sister had for him. He must have been a great singer but was never able to pursue this dream thus leading his fathers business. When Rhaeger and Jons mother Lyanna died the company paid Ned off, the money of course destined for the little orphan boy he took into his custody. They paid the bills with some of the money but most of it was saved so Jon could actually go and study, be able to pursue his passions and live the life his parents had wanted for him.

Well by now you could say that Jon was coming down to reality pretty quickly. His adoptive mother Cat had always wanted him to join the army. Not only because she couldn't stand the pressure of lying to him in his early years but because she was a very honourable woman and believed that his awareness of duty and his will to protect other people would be something their country should benefit of. Wouldn't it have been for Daenerys storming through their family home, screaming and shouting like there was no tomorrow, he might have even done it.

Everyone had deep respect for Catelyn Tully-Stark. Dany did too. But when it came to her best friend Jon these things were irrelevant to her.

Jon could vividly remember the shocked look on her usually so graceful face when she first heard about the idea over dinner. Jon could tell that she had actually been trying to hold back in that moment.

 _"Excuse me asking Mr. and Mrs. Stark but how is this fulfilling his fathers dreams and letting him follow his passions?" An eighteen year old Targaryen asked very bravely._

 _"Don't be ridiculous, Daenerys. It's Ned and Catelyn for you." The older man corrected her with a small smile earning a glare from his wife. Cat came around harder and more restricted than she usually was. She could be a very caring mother most of the time, but she was also similarly determined as the small silver haired women opposite of her. It was rather obvious that Ned was not too found of the idea of sending Jon to military academy either but he must have decided not to intervene when his wife set her mind on something. After all she had raised six children almost on her own while he was trying to save the firm of their family friend Robert by advising him. On the other hand, Lyanna had been his little sister. The woman had meant a lot to him you can tell by the way he talks about her still and he would never force her son to do anything he wasn't interested in. so the conflict was pretty complicated._

 _"Jon is a very smart and athletic young man. He respects orders and is very aware of his duty. After his basic education at the military academy he can still decide rather or not to continue that path." Catelyn said._

 _"But by then he was waisted his entire potential! He could not easily go back to university, he will have rough and less ambitious friends, he will not be able to make music or research history. This is not what he wants and I will not sit by while you deliberately ruin his chances and put him into danger!" Dany almost shouted over the huge table, earning a giggle from young Arya while Sansa seemed to support her mothers plan._

 _"Watch your tongue, young girl!" Cat warned her in a yet polite manner._

 _"I think it should be up to Jon entirely. Like I got to decide for myself." Robb went to Daenerys help._

 _"You are studying economics to follow up in Roberts footsteps and lead his business. Not so much free choice there either and you like it, right?" Sansa intervened now. Her tone was mirroring her mothers but you could tell that she was a lot less confident. Dany had no doubt that she would learn to lead the family like her mother in a matter of time._

 _"But at least he was offered a choice!" Daenerys replied, an enraged look still on her face._

 _"When Robb and Jon were little boys they always dreamt about serving in the police forces or the army. I believe this current irritation will pass rather quickly."_

 _„_ _Irritation?" Dany could not believe her ears. "Those are the job wishes every little boy has at some point in life. Studying music or history has been his dream for way longer than this."_

 _"_ _For all I know Jon is still a boy and has no capability to make such great life decisions." Catelyn sounded angry now, she was not letting herself get played by Daenerys._

 _"_ _Please stop." Jon finally said. He was no one to challenge his (adoptive) parents wishes or object with them. Still, he knew that Dany was right, she always was when it came to him. Joining the military didn't sound bad in his ears but he wanted to do so much more than that. In that point Daenerys had always been an inspiration to him. She wanted to be a politician ever since she was a little girl – well there was this one phase where she wanted to become a pyromaniac but that had just been a silly idea and he was glad that it didn't stuck – and she wanted to travel, meet new people, stand up for the people who didn't have a voice in this kind of society and change the world for the better. Jon had always admired that and it had seduced him to dream big as well. To study and become a university lecturer or professor one day, to be able to teach and help young people find their way. Daenerys was right, he could not give up on that dream without even trying. If it didn't work out he could always join the army. His uncle Benjen was an high-ranking officer and he could get him in any time._

 _"_ _I am going to university. I will get a place with Robb and come back if it doesn't work out."_

So that's what he did.

But life at university wasn't as easy as he had imagined. By deciding to follow his own path he agreed to let Catelyn save half of his inheritance as an emergency found, in case things didn't work out. But _damn_ uni was expensive. Jon had been paying his bills and tuition by working 3 jobs at once. He was assisting in the local middle schools library, attending a troubled child as a social worker and playing guitar at a bar late at night when the main gigs were over. It wasn't bad, at least he had enough money to effort an old rusty car and his shared apartment with Robb while also making great experiences. Well at least that's what he told everyone else.

One day when he dropped down on his small bed fully exhausted he was barely awake enough to notice Dany entering the room.

"Robb let me in." Her voice was smaller than usual and he could swear there was something sad to it. But then again he was tired as fuck so maybe he was overinterpreting things.

"Come and cuddle." Jon demanded in a sweet and dozy voice. It was their thing – cuddling late at night when both of them had exhausting days behind them. Sure it wasn't really a normal thing to do for "just friends" but when have they ever been normal?

Dany followed his instruction quietly, snuggling up against his side while he was wrapping an arm around her.

"I was offered an internship at George Washington University in D.C." Dany told him, her voice barely a whisper. "I know it's not Harvard or Princeton but I could work at a small government office and socialize, maybe even make it into one of the ministeries or politicians offices." She explained further. Dany seemed torn even though that is what she always wanted.

"But it's _Washington_." Jon slowly combined. It was visible that he was just realizing the full consequences of this offer step by step. "You really wanna go halfway across the country?" He didn't mean to scare her off but it was impossible for him to imagine a life without her. Jon would never keep her from living her dreams but it slowly dawned on him that she was his'.

"I know, I know." Dany admitted quietly. She knew that it was impossible to keep contact when you were in different time zones even, parted by entire _states_. She loved Jon but she also wanted to do something bigger with her life, she wanted to make it in politics and therefore she knew that she had to start early. She had to take every opportunity given.

"But what about becoming a human rights activist, fighting modern slavery?" Jon asked, still baffled from the new information. Dany had always been so idealistic about her future. She wanted to be an activist and work at a law firm where they actually did something for the people. She wanted to be the new Amal Clooney or whatever her new role model had been that day. But working for the government she always criticized? Moving to Washington to have this classical and super boring career path. That just wasn't her.

"I can still do that once I made it. It's not that easy gaining influence to change stuff." Dany admitted quietly. He could tell that she still had those dreams in her but somehow she seemed disillusioned now, so different from when they were younger.

"So you really wanna do it?" It was so obvious in the way she was fantasising about the offer. It wasn't her dream entirely but Daenerys wanted to purse it even when it meant leaving him behind.

It was quite for a minute and Daenerys felt a great distance between them. How was he not seeing that she _had to_ do this to live her dream even it was far away. They had always supported each other, she had stood up to Catelyn fucking Stark for god's sake. And now he was starting to doubt her? Daenerys was overwhelmed by the entire situation. Just last night they had been sleeping in this bed together, snuggled up under the blankets, stealing little kisses now and there, and now they are spiralling into a fight and she can't stop it. Jon meant the world to her but so did her future career.

"And what about _us_?" Jon asked with a heartbreaking look on his face. There had always been a _them_ and then again it hadn't. Ever since their little pizza date they had been more than friends, then again they always had. But this time it had actually physically been more. She had kissed him every time she came into his apartment in the evening. He had woken her up every morning with a big cup of coffee, breakfast and a kiss. They went to the cinema together, tried to cook crazy tv-show meals they had seen the night before and studied together in the library. Jon and Dany had been a couple without _being_ a couple and maybe that was their great mistake. Both of them had dreamed big when it came to their future but up until now they had always planned it together.

"I am not choosing to _leave_ you or any of this. I am just taking this once in a lifetime chance. Can you understand that?" Dany asked, her hands finding the way up to frame his face, desperate to make him understand. "We can still see each other and keep in contact."

Keep in contact. It sounded like some empty phrase you tell your college friends when you graduate or some client that doesn't bring enough money in but definitely not the person you have been friends with since pre-school, who you have been hanging out with basically every day and where kissing good night had become a habit over the last couple of months. For a moment Jon was angry at himself for letting her do this to him, for letting her stomp on his feelings like she didn't even care. He was in love with her for god's sake and he really thought they were on a good way to finally make it work between them. Jon felt like an idiot. Maybe it had been his fault because he never actually _told_ her how he felt but on the other hand she just had to know. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up in the first place. After all she never really made a move to actually establish a romantic relationship between them of make it official. How could he have been so blind?

"Actually Daenerys, I _can't_ understand." Jon said, his features hardening and his eyes getting distant all of a sudden. If Danys decision has been made, if she is not even considering staying anyway than he would not let her hurt him even more. For the first time ever he was actually angry with her. He had always taking her advice when making great life decisions, they had always worked them out together and now all of a sudden she decides to leave and that's that. "It's a selfish decision and you know that."

"Selfish? Excuse me?!" Dany was furious now. She had been nothing but honest and opened up to him about her troubled with this decision and now he was calling her selfish? As if she hadn't enjoyed this last couple of weeks and it hadn't been killing her to tell him that she would leave.

"Yes selfish. You've been using me as your emotional trash can for the last couple of years and now when there's even the slightest opportunity you bail on me." Jon exclaimed in an angry voice. He had no idea how he could get so mad at her, he loved her and he would never do anything to hurt her but by blaming her for leaving that's exactly what he did. It was like a storm that he was not able to hold back even though he knew better. He wanted to hurt her the same way she was hurting him. He wanted to see any kind of reaction on her face that showed regret or that she was sorry for leaving him. He didn't want her to turn down this chance but he wanted her to ache like him. It wasn't fair or noble of him but he couldn't stop the bitter words from slipping out of his mouth, hurting the only person he ever truly cared about. "How long have you known? Have you known when you asked me out on a date? Or when you kissed me after? Have you known when you slept next to me every single night since?"

Dany grabs her small purse and gets off the bed, her legs shaky and her brain shutting down. "I'm so sorry-" She starts but couldn't bear to counite. She couldn't bear looking at his face because she knew that she would change her mind in a second so she just grabbed her stuff and fled the room. Like it was on fire and she had to get out to save herself but she was leaving behind the man she had loved for her entire life.


	3. Chapter 3

Daenerys stood in the very back of the small club, her usually so confident attitude gone for nervous glances right and left and fumbling with her car keys. You shouldn't be here, Dany. How dare you playing with fate like this? What if someone sees you?! She was a nervous wreck to say the least but she had to see him even if it was secretly or especially then. She was too much of a coward to face him anyway.

Dany didn't even have to imagine how much she had hurt him, Robb and Missandei constantly reminded her. So much so that she barely kept in contact with them either. She knew that what she did was unforgiveable and now she was living with the consequences but why won't they give her a fucking break? Well because _Jon is not granted a break from missing her either_ , Missandei had reminded her. As if she did not know that already, didn't know exactly how he was feeling because it wasn't any different for her. Why was everyone expecting her to be fine with all of this?! It hurt like hell every single day she couldn't see him, every time she gets out her mobile to dial his number and tell him about her day but has to restrain herself from calling, every god damn time she hears that awful Adele song on the radio. She was a mess but she had to keep going because there was no turning back. What did they expect her to do? Come back and apologise? Leave behind her career and new friends to move back to where she grew up, where she always felt small and trapped because of a guy? She had realized that she loved him ages ago. She still did and it was tearing her apart. But she had to live with her mistakes and let him live his own life. But visiting his gigs once in a while couldn't hurt, right? It wasn't like the bar was super small, it wasn't huge but there still was enough room not to bump into their old friends.

If anyone asked her she would say that she was doing fine. She would go out alone sometimes, sometimes with company. But in her thoughts, it was always him sitting across from her. Whatever she said. She wasn't over him. There wasn't a thing she wouldn't do to turn back time but then again this wasn't one of her dreams where she was back in his small room all these years ago. It was reality and in reality she has fucked up big time.

And there he was. While Daenerys had been lost in thoughts the prior singer-songwriter had left the stage, making room for her childhood friend. He looked good, tired maybe but then again it was half past one in the night and he had probably been working in the library all day. Was he still working there? Was he still trying to pay his bills alone? Was he still living in that small apartment with Robb? Dany closed her eyes for a second, pained by the thought of not knowing anything about his life when just two years ago she was an significant part of it. She had known every little thing there was to know about the dark-haired man and now she knew nothing. For all she knew he might have changed completely.

But he still looked the same. Up there with his acoustic guitar, sitting on what looked like a black painted wooden box, he looked exactly the way he did when they parted in dispute. But then again she was too far away from the stage to actually judge. But he still sported this messy bun on the back of his head, taming the rest of his black curls at least a bit and still had this stubble she only ever complained about when his head had rested on her bare chest.

When Jon started speaking, greeting the crowd and introducing his first song Daenerys froze. She had missed this voice, it had comforted and made her laugh uncountable times. But in this very moment it was sending shivers down her spine. Coming here must have been the worst idea in human history. What had she been thinking? That she would watch him play and it would do nothing to her other than giving her some nice and nostalgic feelings? She was by now assistant in a big government office, working her ass off to get the recognition she was thriving for and _this_ was scaring her? She had been hired for her emergency solutions and great strategic planning but now here she was failing miserably.

When Jon started singing though she felt the air fleeting from her lungs, her chest tightening alarmingly. His voice was still doing funny things to her only now the sound of it was suffocating. To make everything even less bearable he was singing one of the songs she had heard him practise way back then. She had to admit that she was a little disappointed that he didn't start with one of his own songs though. But she still loved this one. It was "Break your heart" by The Gaslight Anthem, one of her favourite was songs when she was younger. Now It was just a salty memory, a painful reminder that they would never do that again, listen to acoustic versions of their favourite songs together, share the same memories.

 _It would break your heart, if you knew me well._

 _See, I have run so far that I've lost myself._

 _And there are things I have seen that I never will tell._

 _They drove me out of my mind and inside of myself._

 _And oh, my my, it would break your heart,_

 _If you knew how I loved you, if I showed you my scars,_

 _If I played you my favorite song lying here, in the dark._

 _Oh my my, it would break your heart._

 _It would bring you to tears, if you knew what I know._

 _See, I spent all of my money on second hand love_

 _But I trusted somebody way and back when._

 _And I loved her like fire until it drove me insane._

This was too much, ultimately. Dany quickly drowned her drink and grabbed her small back and keys in a haste. She had to get out of there and she had to do it _now_. When she turned around to leave though she bumped into a rather familiar figure.

"Margaery." Dany analysed quickly. Her words more shock then delight. But to her defence she really was fleeting so it could have been anyone and she had reacted exactly the same.

"Well if that isn't a surprise!" The taller women exclaimed, pulling Dany in for a hug. They had been friends actually, back in law school before Daenerys moved to Washington they had studied together and grabbed coffee plenty of times. Besides it was impossible not to like the pretty Tyrell. Her hair was in a loose bun while wearing simple tank top and jeans but she still managed to look amazing, effortless. It was a complete contrast to Daenerys in her formal business clothing, all black trousers, blouse and blazer. She had just finished a meeting 20 minutes from here so she figured she could stop by for an hour or so. What a naive mistake.

"What are you doing here? It's been quite a while as I recall." Margaery asked, a surprised look on her face. For a second Dany wondered if she was mad at her for not calling but as her expression changed to a sympathetic smile she was thankful for her friends' endless patience and grace.

"I was in the neighbourhood actually." Dany started but she could tell from the look on Margaery's face that she did not believe her even though the slightly older girl tried to hide it. But Dany was way too tired and emotionally drawn to explain herself right now. "How have you been? You look amazing. And is that a god damn ring on your hand?" Daenerys asked. She had just discovered the piece of jewellery. It was obviously an engagement ring.

Margaery was almost blushing, a state Daenerys had never seen her in. She used to be the girl all the guys were pining for, she never really had serious relationships because she never wanted to. Yet she only had to say one word for there would be 10 great candidates on her doorstep. But now she was actually holding back, wasn't she? "Well I've been doing great. I got an amazing place as an attorney at a law firm in Boston so I could finally quit working at my parents flower shop and of course I quit modelling as soon as I signed the contract." The brown -haired girl had modelled for fun at first but actually made some good money with it. She never wanted to be reduced on her body though, even if she didn't hold back from using it when she could benefit. A flirty smile here and there was most likely still available. "And the ring, yeah I am actually engaged to Robb. Who would have predicted that?" She asked with a small smile while playing with the small silver band on her finger.

"Oh Robb, really?" Dany asked surprised. She had brought her to a movie night with the Starks once but _engaged_? That is huge and she had never expected Robb to settle so soon. But then again she had missed a lot, hadn't she?

"Yeah." Margery replied but it was a lot more quiet now. "I am sorry to intervene, love, but you shouldn't do this."

"Do what?" The Targaryen was confused now. Asked about her life? Why shouldn't she? They had been good friends once.

"You shouldn't come in here and turn his entire life upside down. He has been through some very rough two years and you're a big part of that. While I always rooted for the two of you, you can't just rush in and out of his life like this if you have no intention of staying. Seeing you leave again would destroy him." Her old friend told her honestly. Dany could tell that she was only trying to protect Jon so she didn't argue.

"I now." The silver haired woman admitted quietly.

"But you weren't, were you?" Margery realised as she looked at the clutch and keys in the other woman's hands. "You were about to leave again."

"I- I don't know what to do. I cannot stay away but I can't face him either. I know that it's not fair to him either way."

"Then go before Robb sees you, or Arya. I can keep a secret if you want me to but they will be furious." Margery warned her friend nicely. She got why Dany was doing it even though she was convinced that it was wrong. After all she was about to marry Jon's brother so she couldn't pretend that she was in any way neutral on this but she also held a spot in her heart for her friend so she let her leave and swore not to tell. "Please call sometime, ok?" She added in a caring tone as Dany nodded and left the bar.

"C'mon, man! You can't brood in your room all by yourself forever. Let's go out tonight. You, me, Theon and Pod. It'll be fun!" Robb exclaimed as he dropped down next to his (adoptive) brother on the bed. Jon hadn't left his room for the entire weekend except for getting food. Arya wasn't there this week so he had no body he could convince to order pizza with him. When Jon wasn't busy working or studying he was reading books or watching movies on his bed, the times he left his room to do this on the couch were the bright ones really.

"I'm a grown man, you don't have to look after me. I am perfectly fine reading this evening, in fact I just started a new book." Jon told him in a grumpy tone.

"Let me see." Robb grabbed the book from him and read the cover. " _Ancient Valyria_. Wow that almost sounds interesting." He said before getting up quickly, the book still in his hand and continued: "Except it doesn't and you're coming with us."

"Give it back, that's not funny." Jon told him and tried to snatch it from his older brother but Robb made his way into their small living room beaming in victory.

"Now you don't have much of a choice." He declared as he disappeared from sight.

Jon sunk back into the covers and let his head fall back. He wasn't in the mood to go out and he had no idea why everyone was pushing him or why everyone suspected that this had anything to do with Daenerys. That was two years ago and even Jon Snow could get over things. His life had changed though. He had to work extra hours and had just started writing his own songs again so he had every right to relax when he got home. Other than that Dany had been the one dragging him to social events and evenings in the bar most of the time but she is gone so he got to do whatever the hell he wanted to. He finally had some time to read and catch up on his Uni papers and that had to count for something, right?

Also he couldn't risk getting drunk. He couldn't risk calling her in the middle of the night to tell her how much he grew to resent her, how she had broken his heart. Or worse - apologies for being such a dick when they last talked. He had called her selfish and he never forgave himself for that. Maybe they would still be in contact, still see each other, still fall asleep next to each other sometimes if he had supported her. But he just had to yell at her and make her feel like she was the worst person ever. So maybe this was his fault too. Maybe she is afraid to call because he had been so harsh on her. Margaery had told him that it wasn't his fault, that Dany would most likely understand why he said what he said. But why didn't she call then? If she wasn't angry at him as well? Why did she not write one stupid ass text? It was hopeless. _So much for being over it, Jon_.

"If you look at her instagram one more time I will break your phone. Seriously I will crash it with the very glass I am holding." Arya threatened him. They were sitting at a local fast food restaurant, the one where Theon was working until he found _something real good_. At least that's what he's been telling everyone.

"I wasn't-" Jon started but he knew that it was hopeless. Arya knew him better than any other of his siblings, then _anyone_ now that Daenerys was gone. He really just checked if there was a new picture of her. He just had to see her and if that was his only chance he would take it. Sure it was little bit pathetic but _fuck it_. He needed to see her face and he didn't care how much of a joke he made of himself.

"So any news?" Arya asked. She didn't really care because she too was angry at the silver haired woman but she knew that Jon did and even though Arya had never been one for the emotional stuff she was there for him.

"No." Jon admitted quietly. The last picture she had posted was in an airplane going wherever. Jon felt horrible for not knowing where she was headed, what she was doing and what she was thinking at the moment. He always used to. But now she felt worlds away. Before that Dany had posted some picture of her with some weird guy. He looked older than her, by at least 10 years. He was rather lean and not as pale as she was on that picture but that was about all he could make out. She had tagged him jorahhmo. But the thing that was pissing him off the most was the caption " _Hiking in the mountains with my favourite bear._ " Who the fuck is that guy for her to give him nicknames like this?! Jon had been furious when she had posted it. She didn't get to move on while he was sitting here waiting for her to magically decide to come back. It wasn't fair.

"Wanna hear what I think?" Arya asked again as she watched him stuffing fries into his mouth.

"No." Jon said annoyed, earning a warning look that made him correct himself. " _Yes_."

"I could tell you to get over her but I wouldn't be the first person coming forth with this brilliant idea." She said in a sarcastic tone. "But I swear to god if you tell anyone what I'm about to tell you I am going to kill you, no mercy."

Jon nodded with a small laugh.

"Remember Gendry? He was in my class and while I hated every one of those shallow high school people he wasn't so bad. We were probably as close as you and Daenerys where. But he decided to join the army and I had no idea how I felt about that. You know I always thought that if there was a person out there for me it was Gendry. But turns out there actually are other fish in the pond if you open up to the idea that there isn't 'the One', there are many 'Ones' but that doesn't mean that you have to forget about the first One nor feel bad for moving on. Gendry did. Daenerys did. So why can't you?" Arya asked. "While I waited for Gendry to come back I didn't open up to anyone else, not that I would've need to, I'm a strong ass woman, but when I did I met Asha. And the way we are handling our relationship or whatever it just works for us. And I stopped hoping for him to come back." Arya told him but instead of sporting a sad or nostalgic face she really seemed at peace with all of it. "That was hella cheesy and I will never speak of it again but I figured it could help."

"I guess it does." Jon admitted with a sigh, still confused by the honest words from his sister. He understood that there were certain parallels but in his current state moving on seemed impossible. Jon wished that it was different. He had tried to forget about her, he really did. But while there were good days and bad ones her absence was still causing him pain that was almost physical.

When Dany returned home her beautiful and big apartment seemed nothing but empty to her. She dropped her bag and suitcase to the floor before crashing on the couch. She had been staying in a hotel close to her hometown the night before so she didnt have to drive through the night. It had been hell knowing that just 10 or 15 minutes away Jon was sleeping in the bed they had shared so many times. But then again she didnt even know if he still lived there.  
In moments like these she wished that she was still back home. At least this way she would always have people around her that loved her. Now all she had was her cat Drogon and people she would barely consider she had just made herself comfortable with a blanket and some tee she heard the doorbell ring.

It was Daario with some boxes of sushi in his hand and a bottle of white wine in the other.  
"You, me and some delicious treats, what do you say love?" He asked in a persuasive tone. All Dany really wanted was to cuddle up on the couch with Dragon and a nice book. Not late night visits from a guy she only ever contacts when she needs a decent hook-up to get her mind off things. But she couldnt turn him away like that, not when the alternative was sitting alone in her huge apartment, thinking about how different things could have been.

Two years ago, before she left in the worst way possible, ruining the only important relationship she ever had, there was a night when Jon took her out to a family dinner. It was the both of them and the rest of the Stark clan and she had never felt safer or more loved in her entire life. They would make jokes about the older relatives with Arya and share their food so they could taste more different things on the menu. Or because she could never settle for only one meal. Anyway her favorite part of the evening was when, after one or two drinks, she had been brave enough to place her hand on his thigh under the table and Jon actually took it. He even stroked it lightly before beaming up on her. It was them against the world. The first time they held hands like this. That night she actually felt invincible. She felt like all of her traumatic family past didnt matter anymore because he was her family now, because she finally belonged somewhere. Their romance had been so soft and naive, like slipping into a dream and she still remembered every minute of it.

But that was over now and she was alone. So she made room for the dark haired man to step inside and prepare the food. She was by far not wasted enough to let anything happen between them though, and she had the feeling that he might know. After all Daario wasnt too bad of a person. He loved having fun but he also respected people for who they were. And Daenerys wasnt one of his girls. She was grown up now and she was broken. They could enjoy themselves with some food and whine without anything romatinc going on at all. Similar to how things were with Jorah even though she would actually consider him a friend. When she came to Washington he was been the first person to make her feel like ahe belonged even if it was just a tiny bit. He was kind and loyal. The perfect man for some lucky women out there, just not her. Of course she knew that he still held hopes for them but after a couple of awkward conversations she had made it clear that she valued him as a friend, never a lover, and that she needed at least this one normal friendship to stay sane.

That evening she made Daario leave after dinner and a couple episodes of her favorite tv show. She needed her space, especially in the night. It was nice to have someone around now and then but she could not let herself be mislead - she was always alone when she fell asleep, and she would still be alone waking up. That didnt change when she was at her small apartment in New York, where she had a job working for one minor UN-office, nor did it change when she was "home" in Washington. She had finished her bachelors degree in record time so she could start working as a political advisor, while doing her masters degree.

Her job was mostly exciting, sometimes exhausting and it kept her busy. She really got to do what she dreamt of, even though she wasnt quite there yet. Still, Daenerys always felt like something was missing. She was happy but she wasnt entirely. Yet in those two years she had never giving anyone the real opportunity to fill that void. She read many books, travelled a lot, did some sports and kept in contact with people from work and university. So she was okay, really. But there were many moments in a day where she wished Jon would still be by her side, sharing them with her.

Mostly in the night when she lay in bed, tossing and turning, she missed him. The way he would pull her closer, the way he watched her fall asleep, the way he would look at her waking up. But she had messed that one up. So she had to cope with it. But taking her phone and dialing his number sounded better than ever today. She just needed to hear his voice this once and she would stop longing for it, Dany was sure of that.  
Without much deeper thought she clicked on the green button. It started to dial. It rang-

 _What did she do?!_

Jon had finally let them drag him out into a bar one night.

When suddenly his phone vibrated he definitely regretted placing it on the wooden bar table. Edd had grabbed it in a matter of seconds and answered " _Johnny Loverboys phone_ , press 1 if this a bootycall and 2 if you are his mother." The older man said in a funny voice, trying to provoke his friend a little, but also trying to get a rare smile from the man, who had done so much for him. They had met at a security guard job Jon had been doing some years ago to pay for his tuition. The two of them instantly clicked and he even got him a job at the bar he was having his gigs at. Eddison or "Edd" as they called him, got lucky and undertook the bar eventually. So that's where Jon usually hangs out with his friends when he leaves his flat for a change.

"Oh _Jonny_ it's Daenerys she desperately wants you back!" Edd joked again, earning a laugh from Theon and Pod while Robb was watching his brother closely. The younger Stark really tried his best to remain his cool, but his brother could tell that even now these jokes were bugging him.

"Jon-" Edd started again, but this time a lot more quiet, almost apologetic. "It actually _is_ Dany."

Jon froze. He had no idea if his friends were messing with him again or if this was serious. For a second he wished for the former.

Seeing that his brother was obviously overwhelmed and the chatter was getting out of hand, Robb reached for the phone and handed it to Jon "You might wanna take this outside, bro." he advised quietly before watching Jon leave the room. He was still worried about his younger brother, even though they technically weren't this closely related he felt like there was no one closer to him, well except for Margaery of course. Jon had been devastated when Daenerys left. He had been letting his jobs and his studies slide, had stayed out all night drinking at the bar and even started smoking for a while. It had been heart-breaking to watch. Even now Jon was still not the same again. He had gotten his life together for the most part, yet he hadn't been happy since. Not even for a small moment. The closest to happy he had seen his brother was at his' and Magaerys engagement party. But even then his eyes had been sad. Robb was worried that this phone call would bring him down again.

.

"Jon?" He heard her voice asking hesitantly. _Her voice_. It was the first time in two years that they were talking again and it revived and destroyed him at once.

"Hey." Jon answered a lot quicker than he wanted to. He had been too afraid of her hanging up on him. While he was still angry at her, he needed to hear her voice just a little longer.

 _I am so sorry._

 _I missed you so much._

 _I never should have left like this._

Those were things Daenerys wanted to say so desperately. But she couldn't. It was like the shame of it kept her from admitting it out loud and yet she knew that he knew. _He knew that she was sorry_. Without saying a word Jon made her feel it through the line. He may not forgive her but he had to know that she was sorry.

So instead of addressing the elephant in the room she chose a softer start. She just needed to hear his voice.

" _Hey_." She repeated breathlessly, not able to ask him how he felt or how he has been holding up. Dany knew the answer would kill her either way. Yet she wanted him to know that he was still a part of her life, that she never stopped wondering what he was doing in that very moment and that there would never be anyone who completed her like he did, who moved her like he did. She could never tell him though.

They stayed quiet for a while, just listening to each others breathing.

Jon leaned back against the cold brick wall and closed his eyes. He wanted to tell her that he didn't need her. That he had forgotten about her entirely. That he could hurt her just the same. But it was a lie, he could never. But what else could he say? Not like he could just tell her that he missed her and ask her if they could see each other again. Jon felt like this was a line he couldn't cross.

"It's good to hear your voice." Daenerys said, her voice barley above a whisper. It took all the courage she had but staying silent was not an option.

" _Yeah_." Jon replied. It was good to hear her voice as well. Good didn't even cover it. It was a kind of relieve. It sent shivers down his spine. He sunk down to the ground and listened to her speaking.

"So I heard that Robb and Mar got engaged. That's huge!" She tired some small talk to keep him on the line while avoiding to talk about their situation. It was harder than she thought.

"It is yeah." Jon answered and the silence between them returned.

After a while he gave in to the conversation. He was afraid of the moment after they both would hang up. The silence that did not include her uneven breathing, a silence that was only him in the back of a bar.

So with one more big sigh he started – "You should have seen Arya and Sansa at the engagement party. They were singing karaoke drunk and crooked as hell."


End file.
